Rivalries, Rarities and A Disappointing Flick.
A whenever the mood strikes me newsletter. Scary, funny, boring, who knows. I just hope your entertained.
Welcome back to the pit of despair for another potentially annoying installment of Undead Nonsense.
I avoided all productivity last week. Absolutely no progress was made on writing. However acquisitions of grave importance were made. First as some of you know. The All-Scribe, The Duke of Spook, The Titan of Terror, Scribbler of Scary, the greatest writer of horror comics in all of human history! Cullen Bunn has been compiling a list of items from his personal collection that he’s parting ways with. This purge serves a great purpose. It’s been dubbed “I have to buy my son a ridiculously expensive violin fund”. Lots of great stuffs! The list is on Facebook and probably the Twitters. Go check it out and give a shout to let him know what you want.
That was at the beginning of the week. Later in the week there was an rare occult objects auction in an undisclosed location in Downtown KC. This place was packed to the gills with The Who’s Who of the supernatural and occult collectors of the world. A real classy event. Red carpet, champagne, bacon wrapped shrimp. Like I said classy! So you have to be high end and reputable. Infamy doesn’t count. So I snuck in through a side door with the caterers.
It’s extremely important that I get ahold of such artifacts. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve saved the world from supernatural destruction?! A fuckton! I know, you wonder how much exactly is a fuckton? More than a shitload, way more! Anyway as being perhaps not the most respected member of the supernatural world. I still had to be there to score this baby…
That’s right, the Lament Configuration! The puzzle box to summon Pinhead himself. I won’t be summoning any Cenobites. I mostly got the box to save myself a lot of trouble. As lousy fleshbags. You guys probably have no idea that Cenobites are just supernatural debt collectors. While relentless and effective. I’m kind of attached to my soul. Although it isn’t worth much. I’ve been kicked out of Heaven once and Hell twice. I party too hard it’s a curse. But I digest. Where was I? Oh yeah I had to get the box. The bidding war began. I was winning of course. When all of the sudden. I was vastly out bid but non other than that smug bastard Dash Medallion! For those of you who don’t know. This guy is my arch nemesis. Well after Jerry Diggerson. Then my Ex-Wife, Sci-fi as a whole, The Remingtons, The IRS, ok so it’s a long list. But he’s on it. He is my biggest rival in collecting. Supernatural and occult artifacts, comics, Joe Cameo memorabilia. You make it if like it. So does this bastard! He’s everything I’m not, famous, dazzling smile, charming personality, living, and to top it off filthy stinking rich. He’s the worst.
This guy once bought he Necronomicon out from under me. Just to let Donny use it! Donny’s a drunk zombie! He has no idea how to use the most powerful book in all reality! Which is what Dash was counting on. Donny opened a portal to a dimension of pure shit. Literal shit. It’s a sewer dimension or something. It flooded the entire sub level of Macabre Manor. It took months to clean it all up.
So there was no way I was letting him get his hands on the box. But alas he has one to at his disposal I do not…money. Which as it turns out is crucial in an auction. The stolen credit card I had didn’t quite have the limit I needed to procure it. So when no one was looking I pocketed it and made for the door like teenage kids scattering from a party with cops at the door.
A couple of days later I got a call from my buddy Barrett. He’d asked if I’d seen the new Jeepers Creepers: Reborn. Unfortunately I had. The first Jeepers Creepers is on of my all time favorite creature features. The second was an acceptable entry. 3 was a heaping pile of garbage. Let’s continue to build on a mystery that really needs a conclusion while adding a supervillain mobile to the mix. And still leaving it a fucking cliffhanger! That one should be stricken from the franchise completely. ( Now when The Fast & Furious crosses over into horror. As it inevitably will. Adding the modified Creeper Mobile with 007 weaponry would be completely acceptable.) Which brings us to Reborn. What a snooze fest. It didn’t need a reboot while trying to maintain aspects of the original storyline. They should have just made another fucking sequel that actually concluded. Instead the studio continues on the classic slasher formula of convolution, reboot, retcon, rehashed, the main character is the same but everything else is different direction. He summed it up like this and I have to agree.
“ I'm puzzled by so many production choices. Like, not even a low budget thing, just bad choices. It feels like a late 90's heavy metal music video. Not one that was made in the late 90's though. Like someone born in 2001 discovered Cradle of Filth, and Korn, and Tales from the Crypt, then wanted to emulate that vibe for the year 2022, on a very low budget, in a short period of time.”
So I’d give it 0 out of 4 💀. Watch at your own risk.
Lastly it’s convention season. So you may see me out and about. If you do stop by and say hello. Im the devastatingly handsome ghoul in the top and no lower jaw. I won’t be a vendor. Tables cost money. But I will have snuck in.
MARCH 17 - 19, 2023 - Planet Comicon, Kansas City MO
MAY 26-28 Texas Frightmare Weeekend Irving TX
That’s it for this week. Remember folks Life’s a grave. Dig it!